It's My Birthday and I'll Cry if I Want To
Yep, I'm a Gemini.
I turn 54 today! Happy birthday to me. Yep, I’m a Gemini. “That’s so shocking” -said no one who knows me even just a little bit.
But turning 54 is not the reason I’ve been crying lately or why I’ll likely cry at some point today. I’m overjoyed to be 54. This isn’t me saying, “boohoo I’m getting old.” Fuck no! I know it’s a privilege to get old. If you’ve experienced any “out-of-order” loss, you likely feel the same way.
Today I’m celebrating having amazing friends. I’m full of gratitude for my parents, brother, and daughter who are all relatively healthy and whom I love so much. I’m relishing the fact that I get endless cuddles from my rescue dog Ms. Frankie whenever I want.
This morning, I woke up smiling knowing I can walk just a few short blocks and be overlooking the Pacific ocean. Living within walking distance of the ocean is something I dreamed of for most of my life, and I made it happen 3 years ago today!
I’m in awe of the fact that, at 54, I get to do some of the most meaningful and rewarding work of my life so far - and with people I deeply admire too. In fact, we’re nearly at the one year anniversary of my book being published.
So what am I doing to celebrate 54?
I’m getting a haircut and I’m excited about it. No, seriously!
I’m not having a party. I don’t have plans to hang out with friends either. Though not the activity you’d likely schedule for your birthday, today I’ll be celebrating my big day by getting my haircut. Yes, I really am excited to spend my birthday this way. Why? Because I have so much hair that I need to get it cut. I told you that you’d think, “WTF?! That’s how she’s celebrating?”
You might understand my enthusiasm better if you knew how I spent the week of my 52nd birthday.
Monday (my birthday): I went to the hospital to get a blood draw out of the port-catheter that had been placed in my chest just a few weeks earlier.
Tuesday: I spent the day in a chemotherapy chair, scared I would have another allergic reaction. My hands and feet were cramping because they were submerged in ice to prevent neuropathy.
Wednesday: My hairdresser came to my house and shaved my head bald.
Thursday: With my best friend by my side, I went out into the world bald and swollen from steroids, and tried not to cry too loud.
Friday: I slept all day and couldn’t eat anything because I was so nauseous.
I did have my soul-sister best friend Autumn by my side the whole time, so in the midst of all the tears, pain, and absurdity, we did manage to sing “Poison” by Bell Biv DeVoe as the chemotherapy drug dripped into my body that day. Why? Duh, dark humor and music are necessary to carry the weight of grief and pain. And of course, so is cursing. Fuck cancer.
Plus, at 54, I’m happy to still be able to say I’m cancer-free. The result from my first post Breast Cancer treatment 3-D mammogram just came back negative. WHEW!
Then why am I reserving the right to cry?
Because every time I turn a year older than my late husband Eric got to turn, I think of him. I think of the life he has missed out on and the life my daughter Lily and I have missed out on without him.
Yes, the fact that I’ve lost so much does make me so grateful for every single day I get to live . . . AND . . . turning 54 without Eric here to celebrate with me makes me sad. Really fucking sad. Sad for him. Sad for me.
I already cried last week at the prospect of turning 54 when I realized that I’ve been able to have 10 more years than he got. It’s not fair. And actually, we didn’t even get to celebrate his 44th birthday because he wasn’t himself. The undiagnosed brain tumor had made him despondent, occasionally manic, and sometimes aggressive to the point where I was having to make safety plans for myself and my daughter. He was robbed of enjoying his birthday, and so were we.
So yes, today I’ll cry, get my haircut, and…
celebrate turning 54 in the most ordinary and yet precious ways. I will:
Count my blessings as I receive love from friends and family via phone, Facetime, and text.
Cry. Who knows when. I won’t apologize for it. I will try not to judge myself for it.
Put on my favorite dance jams (think Earth, Wind and Fire, Prince, Stevie Wonder, etc) and bop around the house like no one’s watching. Well, Ms. Frankie will, but she doesn’t judge.
Look at old photos of us dancing and probably weep again, sad that Eric’s not here to slow-dance with me.
Dig my toes in the sand, feel the warmth of the sun on my face, and then dip my toes in the Pacific Ocean. But I won’t dive in, because, HELLO, brand new hair-do. #priorities.
It’s time for presents: yours and mine.
1) My birthday gift request to you
Friends, I was hoping you would consider getting me a gift for my birthday. Here are a few actions to choose from:
Substack Love: If you love my writing here on Substack, please consider subscribing. If you’re already subscribed for free, you might consider supporting my work by upgrading to a paid subscription. You can also spread the birthday love by re-stacking AFGO with Lisa Keefauver and inviting others to subscribe.
Podcast Love: If you love Grief is a Sneaky Bitch podcast and haven’t done so yet, please head to Apple Podcast and leave a 5-star rating and write a review.
Book Love: If you read and loved my book, Grief is a Sneaky Bitch: An Uncensored Guide to Navigating Loss, please head to Amazon or Goodreads and leave a 5-star rating and write a review.
2) I got you a gift! Actually, I got you two!
There are 2 NEW Grief is a Sneaky Bitch podcast episodes waiting for you to listen to on (Apple Podcast) or watch on (YouTube)
ESPN Sports Broadcaster Lauren Sisler - As a Freshman collegiate athlete at Rutgers University, Lauren got a call that changed her life. Both her parents died within hours of one another from a hidden prescription drug addiction. She captured her life in a powerful new memoir, Shatterproof. Listen to Lauren’s incredible story here.
Suzy Hopkins & Hallie Bateman - What do you do when you get dumped? Suzy Hopkins’ husband of 30 years announced he was leaving her, just a few weeks shy of her retirement. As she learned how to navigate the devastating grief that comes with betrayal and divorce, she joined forces with her daughter, illustrator Hallie Bateman, to write the graphic book, What To Do When You Get Dumped. Listen to this beautiful conversation with the dynamic mother-daughter duo here.
Oh, and speaking of crying on my birthday…
Sneak preview just for you! I’ve been working on an exciting creative collaboration over the past few months and I just had to share it with you (even though it’s not quite ready yet). Doesn’t that sound very Gemini to you?
Reimagining Grief is a collaborative letterpress card collection Rachel Kroh, the amazing artist and founder of Heartell Press and I created together! The project grew out of a meaningful encounter we had at my book event on Bainbridge Island last year. We connected over a shared belief: that we need more thoughtful, honest ways to help others show up for the grieving people in their lives.
This is one of 15 cards in this special collection, which was developed collaboratively, with the two of us working closely on both the imagery and the language, blending visual care with words that help grievers feel seen, held, and understood.
Reimagining Grief includes 15 cards and is part of Heartell Press’ summer release, Here for You - a collection of 29 new designs created to help us show up for one another through all kinds of tender moments. Stay tuned for some fun pre-release events and giveaways!
Until next time, I see you, I hear you, and I’m holding you in my heart.
And Happy Birthday
Totally agree on dark humour and music, has served me well