When You're Stuck, Start Close In
Some insights for you (and a reminder to myself) on what to do when you feel stuck.
Welcome to AFGO with Lisa Keefauver!
Hello, to my growing community of friends
I’m excited and incredibly grateful that you’ve decided to join me here in this little corner of the inter-webs. With all that’s going on in the world (and in your personal life too), I’m honored to create a place of respite and belonging.
Also, thanks for your patience in waiting for this first post.
I have to share something with you that I’m a bit anxious to admit. I’m going to do it anyway because two of my core values in life, and you will find as foundational to this community, is honesty and vulnerability. So {{gulp}} here goes…
I’ve been struggling to show up for you here.
Yep. It’s true. I’ve been on the s-t-r-u-g-g-l-e bus.
Now please understand, it’s not because I’m not excited to build this community for and with you. Because I am actually giddy with all the possibilities of what we will create and share together here.
It’s also not because I don’t have anything to say. The opposite is true. I actually have so much to say. (“Shocking” said no one who knows me well).
It’s because I care so much about building a meaningful, sacred and safe community and I want you to feel that right from the start.
The truth is that I’ve been going around and around in circles and spirals the last month trying to decide what is the best, most perfect, first essay topic for launching this Substack. I wondered, should I tell you my professional background and bona fides? Because maybe I owe you an explanation or proof that I have a valid POV. It’s likely that some of you don’t listen to my podcast, or haven’t watched my TEDx Talk, or read my book.
Then I thought, “how conceited, Lisa” - this isn’t about you, this is about your community. You should start with an explanation and history of the acronym AFGO (Another Fucking Growth Opportunity). You need to prove that you’ve been talking about AFGO before this Substack - maybe sharing the picture of the AFGO symbol tattooed on your body for years, or the clip where you mentioned it from the stage last year at End Well.
To be honest, it’s mostly because I’ve been falling prey to something that I struggled with in my early grief. Maybe you did too.
Do you notice anything about my inner dialogue above?
Did you see how many times I should-ed all over myself (e.g. thought “should” and “shouldn’t”)?
Did you detect the self-critical language? (e.g. conceited)
Did you notice the superlatives, either/or, and black & white thinking? (e.g. best, perfect, most)
Truth be told, I have more than 14 Essay Topics recorded with draft essays and scripts for audio recordings in various states of doneness sitting in a dropbox folder. I have a list of SO many quotes, resources, media sources, and events that I want to share with you.
And every time I opened this document to write to you, I got stuck. I found myself feeling overwhelmed with where to start.
Does that ever happen to you?
Um Lisa, remember to follow your own advice.
And then I found myself awake in the middle of the night, my inner-critic going off on me. (BTW, my inner-critic sounds like Lucille Bluth, the mother character from the show Arrested Development. What does yours sound like?)
Focus Lisa. Focus.
So there I was, Lucille was berating me for not posting to Substack yet. I was looping through the list of topics for the perfect one to use for the launch. It’s got to be “just right” I/Lucille kept saying. Then the 500 megawatt light bulb in my brain lit up.
I remembered the wisdom of poet David Whyte, one of my many “grief guides” along my journey. The wisdom I’ve used time and time again in my own grief journey and in times of tumult. The wisdom I offered you at the start of my book…
Remember Lisa, start close in!
“To begin” simply refers to the first part. The first step, the first action, the first intention. NOT the perfect one, not the right one, not the one someone else took, just the first. So each time you begin feeling overwhelmed with what to do next or how you should feel at any given moment in your grief, remember that you don’t have to have it all figured out.
Instead, I invite you (and me) to start close in. As poet and someone I consider my grief guide, poet David Whyte reminds us, “Start close in, don’t take the second step or the third, start with the first thing close in, the step you don’t want to take.”
I’ve found that starting close in can be helpful because it:
Illuminates what you already know. You’ve lived on this earth for some time now, which means you’ve already learned some things about beginnings.
Shifts your gaze. This new terrain of early grief can tempt you to focus all your energy somewhere far down the road. call that “horizon time”—a segment of time so far off that you can’t be present (tomorrow, next week, next year, your elder years).
Identifies the next best step (not perfect or right) and ask yourself, “What’s the next best thing I can do for myself?” Not the perfect thing. Not the right thing. (News flash: Neither of these things exist)
Practices for starting close in.
At the end of each chapter in my book, I offered an Invitation to Practice the skills and tools I explored in each. In the chapter, Start Close In, I invite you to reflect on a series of questions to ask yourself the next time you’re feeling overwhelmed. The first prompt is:
The next time you’re feeling overwhelmed with where to begin or what comes next, ask yourself:
“Am I focusing on horizon time or the present?”
If the answer is horizon time, ask yourself:
“What is the next best thing I can do for myself right now?”
Remember, the answer might not come right away. Just be still and listen.
A special gift for you.
I recorded this free audioguide to help you practice starting close in.*
If you’d like more guidance, remember you can purchase the audio version of my book:
Welcome to our perfectly imperfect community.
So now that we have the ground rules agreed upon - that there is no perfect place to start, and that perfection is a myth. - here is a perfectly imperfect and incomplete list of resources I wanted to share with you as we build the AFGO with Lisa Keefauver community. More to come in each post.
Events:
Exploring Rituals and Creativity in Grief Online Workshop: Join me for this Intimate Virtual grief workshop co-hosted with Jamie Thrower (whose Substack Mourning Glory I highly recommend).
E-Motion Movement Community in San Diego: Join me and a community of grievers for a free 8-week walk & talk grief community.
Podcasts:
Grief is a Sneaky Bitch Podcast: More than 100 free conversations on grief, dying, death, and living in the wake of loss.
Hilling Journey: I was just a guest on the new podcast, The Hilling Journey, with my former guest Illyse Kennedy. Give it a listen.
Books:
This includes my book, Grief is a Sneaky Bitch: An Uncensored Guide to Navigating Loss. If you’ve read and loved my book, please consider leaving a 5-Star rating and writing a review on GoodReads
Other Media & Substacks:
Why Knowing More About Grief Can Make it Suck Less: Delivering this TEDx Talk on changing the narratives of grief was a dream come true. (The audio issues not so much.)
Some of my favorite Substacks at the moment:
Until next time,
I see you, I hear you, and I’m holding you in my heart.
*In the future audio and video guides will only be available for paid subscribers
Excellent post Lisa- thank you for all you do for this grieving community. You are love and light (and funny af)
Lisa, I appreciate your candor and totally relate to feeling overwhelmed when trying to start something. I loved this first post, especially the audio. Welcome to Substack, and thank you for the shout out!