I’m a Widow Who Just Survived Cancer. Now What?

The surprising discovery I made the first time I asked Chat GPT a question.

I’m not exaggerating when I say everyone and their mother has been telling me how they’ve been using AI in some form or fashion. Truly. No less than 8 people just this past week dropped how they recently used AI into casual conversation.

At 54, I’m clearly behind the times. But where do I start? Well, since we all know that research is often me-search, I thought I’d ask Chat GPT the question that’s on my mind the most these days. And when I say, these days, I mean for about a year.

“I’m a widow who just survived cancer. Now what?”

To be honest I went into this research with a high degree of skepticism. I assumed I would both laugh and scoff at the results. To my surprise, I found it accurate and even helpful. To be honest, it was much more grief literate than many individuals I’ve encountered in my grief and in my cancer survivorship too. By the way, that title is still illusive to me. I’m not sure Cancer Survivor matches how I feel.

Here’s how Chat GPT started its response to me: “First—I'm truly sorry for your losses and your struggles. Surviving both widowhood and cancer takes an enormous amount of strength and just acknowledging that is a powerful step. Now what? That's the question only you can ultimately answer, but I can help you think through it. Here are a few paths and questions that might help guide you as you begin this next chapter:”

Hot damn, Chat GPT! Its response was steeped in the perspectives and language I use when I train individuals and organizations on how to offer meaningful grief support. It’s also in line with some of the themes of my book too, Grief is a Sneaky Bitch: An Uncensored Guide to Navigating Loss. What are those?

1. Acknowledge and name the loss(es). Don’t bypass it with expressions such as, “at least…”.

2. Remind the griever that they have an inner knowing they can tap into.

3. Recognize it’s not our job to fix the person. Our role is to accompany them instead.

4. Ask open-ended questions then shut up and listen. Be a thoughtful listener and a thought partner when they ask.

   

Chat GPT went on to suggest 6 steps or actions to take that might help me figure out not THE answer, but instead next steps on my path:

1. Honor Where You’ve Been - It encouraged me to acknowledge through writing, storytelling, ritual and more, what I’ve endured. No “stop thinking about it” nonsense that people often say.

2. Ask Yourself, What Do You Want Now? - It acknowledged I might need to reassess my needs around connections, purpose and meaning, or in terms of my environment.

3. Find or Rebuild A Support Network - Chat GPT acknowledged that surviving what I did can lead to secondary losses (not the term they used) but still, the weakening or disappearing of social connections. It certainly impacted my social relationships, but not in the way becoming a widow did.

4. Explore Meaning and Purpose - As we know, finding meaning in life (not the loss) is critical to moving forward in the wake of loss. Chat GPT suggested a few ways to think about that, and one that I loved emphasized focusing on one of my favorite words - curiosity.

5. Be Gentle With Yourself - Again, the grief literacy shown through in its answer here too - dismissing the productivity-obsessed 5-Year Plan culture we live in and suggested it’s okay if I don’t know what comes next. Which is good, because I don’t.

6. Consider Talking to a Professional - Seek a me. A professional who has also experienced grief and survivorship, to help me bring intention to my healing. Good reminder Chat GPT - just because I help others, doesn’t mean I don’t need help too.

What did Chat GPT miss?

I think it missed what I’m grappling with most. The human complexity of survivorship. The word “survivor” implies that it’s over. It’s not. Not my status as a widow, and definitely not my experience as a cancer patient. In fact, technically I’m still in the midst of my cancer treatment. I take an Estrogen-Killer pill. I will for a minimum of 3.5 more years.

Chat GPT missed the nuance. It missed the humanity. It couldn’t offer the hard-won insights and strategies of a survivor. That’s something I can only get from another human. In fact, earlier this season, my podcast guest and friend Consolee Nishimwe, a Rwandan Genocide Survivor, shared a perspective shift she has made that has helped her in this season of her life as a “survivor”. And in sharing it, human to human, with her full vulnerability and humanity, she helped me in ways AI couldn’t.

She told me about the daily pill she too must take. Hers is to treat the HIV she contracted because she was raped during the Genocide in the summer of 1994. Consolee shared that when she takes the pill, instead of focusing on why she’s taking it, on how she got here, she thinks of this pill as a vitamin, one that helps her get to live. I could read that, and I did in her incredible memoir. And yet there was something about the intimacy of our conversation that made it sink in.

The intimacy of my conversation with Consolee on the podcast opened me up to something in a way AI technology never could.

And so, most days, when I take my daily pill, I remind myself it is a vitamin that helps me live. In combination with the surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, and immunotherapy I endured, it increases my survival/non-recurrence rates to the mid 90%. That’s amazing. Yay modern medicine. That shift in perspective has helped my mood each morning as I swallow the pill. I mean vitamin.

AND this “vitamin”, and the treatment that saved me, has me:

• Feeling fatigued, both physically and cognitively.

• Experiencing random, and sometimes intense, musculoskeletal pain.

• Developing Osteopenia, a precursor to Osteoporosis.

• Dwindling interest in sex. This low libido shit sucks.

• Thickening in the middle of my body, regardless of exercise and diet.

• Experiencing varied symptoms of anxiety and depression unlike anything I have before.

So yes, I’m a cancer survivor. I am beyond grateful for that. The alternative is horrendous. And, what does that title mean? While I was pleased that Chat GPT didn’t do what most people do - lob toxic positivity expressions at me, like, “Yay! You’ve survived.” “You beat it. You’re so lucky. Focus on that.” What it didn’t do is leave me feeling seen and understood in the messy both/and of being a survivor.

Will Chat GPT be my go-to resource as a widow and cancer survivor?

No. I don’t think so. I’m not convinced that AI on the whole is good for us. I think it’s learning and moving too fast, and unlike other advancements that have moved at a pace where we could consider the ethical considerations (not that we always enacted them), this ship has sailed into dangerous waters. Have you wondered how Chat GPT can seem so insightful on this topic? It’s by combing and mining, without permission, the intellectual property of millions of thinkers and writers, like me. On the one hand, how invasive, disturbing and problematic. On the other hand, if it helps more grievers feel less alone…then how can I be mad?

Well, I can. Because life is full of both/ands.

It’s been one year. I want to give you a gift.

In addition to crossing the one-year cancer survivorship mark, this month marks the one-year publication anniversary of my book, Grief is a Sneaky Bitch..

I want to thank the thousands of people across the U.S., U.K., Mexico, and Spain who bought my book for themselves, for friends and family members, for neighbors, and to the many workplaces who’ve chosen it as a resource for their employees. Thank you to the incredible independent bookstores and other venues who have hosted so many beautiful book events and conversations. And lets not forget about my fabulous co-hosts and the readers who show up with love.

I get ridiculously excited when readers send me selfies holding up their copy of my book, whether it’s at a coffee shop, on vacation, or when they spot it in a new store. Recently someone snapped a picture of my book at the new bookstore at LaGuardia airport. How cool is that? So if you have my book and love it, please share your selfie in the comments or in the chat.

Please celebrate this milestone with me! Whether you bought the book, it was gifted to you, or you checked it out of your local library, please consider leaving a 5-star rating and writing a review on GoodReads or Amazon (or Audible if you listened to me narrate the book).

A Bookaversary Giveaway

Yep, that’s a made up word, but it has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Bookaversary.

If you’re not already, please subscribe to AFGO with Lisa Keefauver.

All subscribers by the end of June, 2025 will be entered into my Grief is a Sneaky Bitch Giveaway Package that will include:

Subscribers are entered to win this Giveaway Package. The winner will be announced in the first Substack published in July.

1. A signed copy of my book, Grief is a Sneaky Bitch (in English or Spanish, whichever you prefer).

2. A signed copy of the incredible book Grief is Love by my amazing friend @marisareneelee.

3. A unique Mourning enamel pin made by my creative friend and Queer death doula, Jamie Thrower.

4. A sample of the forthcoming line of Reimagining Grief empathy cards I co-created with artist Rachel Kroh of @heartellpress.

I will announce the winner in July!

Until next time, I see you, I hear you, and I’m holding you in my heart.